suicide

I don't understand people who don't understand suicide.  It is on my mind 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  The only time I'm not consumed by dark thoughts of taking my life are when I'm asleep and I'm sure even then I'm dreaming about it.
Has it been 2 or 3 years since I lost my family.  I'm not sure.  A few weeks ago Claudia came back into my life with the most wonderful baby I've ever encountered. This baby has the biggest dark eyes and eyelashes that extend to the next universe.  But that's not what makes this baby so cute.  Her contentment and her excitement when you stick your tongue out at her, she laughs and sticks her tongue back at you,.  She has recently learned the exciting life of being in a Johnny Jump up and she's content bouncing herself for hours.  She is the easiest baby I've ever been around,.  Being around this beautiful baby has really stirred the feelings of suicide.  If you don't understand that statement you don't understand suicide.  This baby needs to be around wonderful people.  Not worthless, stupid people like me.,  My husband deserves a thin wife who gets pride from a clean home.  My daughters deserve someone who will be there for them but not try to take over.  They also deserve someone who might have a little bit more money than I do,.  Everyone deserves someone who isn't as self loathing as I am.  I truly don't think I'll make it out of this life without taking my own.  It's just too difficult of a struggle.  It might not be this bout of depression or even next, but I get closer and closer with each round.  If I am successful I need the people I love to understand that they deserved more than me.  I did it because I wanted them to have the best.