mothers day eve

You know what's so funny about this day. It's not important to anyone except mothers. Mothers getting things ready for their own mothers. It's not important to dads or sperm donars. This day mean to celebrate women ends up being another holiday like thansgiving. Thanksgiving is a mens holiday. Women are in the kitchen getting prepared at least 24 hours in advance. If you include lookin up and studying recipes women have a good two weeks invested in the holiday that men don't. Then Thanksgiving comes and men sit around watching television while women cook, clean, set a beautiful table, press the linnens, time all the dishes to end just at the right time so the turkey can be cut and the gravey is ready all at the same time. Mothers day is another work horse day for women. Some parts of me think they should barbeque, but that means the woman goes grocery shopping get all of the incredients for all the side dishes, comes home and starts baking the beans and slowing roasting the ribs. Cutting the salad choosing a bottle of wind setting the table, and after the meal we clean off the table wipe it down, get all the dishes in the dishwasher, clean up the mess, whip down the cupords where everything was left over, get all of the dinner put away while completey relaxed, having done his far share of the work, fathers are watching basketball on tv. Mom is left to clean again.
I don't know why I even put this down in words. This is a public blog and anyone in the entire world could read it, but no on e every will. There isn't a person in this world that cares enough for me to read my blog. I can leave it up all night long, never even get out of it and no one would read it. I'm just not the person anyone is looking for.
I refused to go on that last set of meds the doctor had me on. I gained 30 lbs. I don't care if I do die from suiside, gaining 10 lbs a month isn't worth being sane. If heaven is all it's cracked up to be why can't I just go now. I'm not needed, not wanted, not cared for, not listein to andaabove all of that I am the stupidest person I've ever met. Not realy. I'm actually quite intelligent when I'm not taking all the weird medications. I'm creative and happy, but since that's not what Randy wants out of his life it's doing neight of us any good. There's only one thin he wants..... something differen that what he has. Someone who would let hem go away every weekend for hunting and fishing and when he got home wouldn't have spent a dime.
I dont know how long it's been since he loved me. I know it's been at least 4 years. I have tried and tried and tried to make him love me but he doesn't. I know that because of the things he says to me. He is always calling my dumb, but not in those words. He tells me even though I've been cutting avacodos all my life, I wouldn't know a ripe on from my ass. When that is the only part of the conversation you hear from him, or when he treats you like the kids, giving uw choars to do over the weekend while he's out of town fishing...He has things he wants me to do for him, sleep with him, fix his food, clean his house and all he can provide me in return is he'll come home when he can. I'm worried that I really don't love him anymore. What do you do when you really don't love your husband anymore? I could stand and scream and say, I don't love you anymore and he'd never hear me. He'll never hear it on this blog either. He knows I write this blog sometimes and I'd bet a million dollars no one knows where it is.
Tonight at church they gave all the mothers a flower. I didn't get one. You see I was in the back taking care of all the kids. That's how Mothers day starts for me. Tomorrow morning Reanna will get up and wake me up by saying, "Mom what are you making me for breakfast? Because you see with Reanna it's all about what I can do for her, never about what she can do for me. She won't even let me sleep in before she's waking me to ask what's for breakfast. Raina, she won't even be coming home tonight, She is spendiig the evenign with her boyfriend and his family. That leaves my darling husband, who I have no idea when he'll be back. It might not even be tomorrow. He's at lake powell. I know he told me when he was leaving but he never tells me when he's coming home. So Mothers Day will come and go with no affection or love.
I can say that as loud as I can from the highest tops of the trees. NO ONE LOVES ME ENOUGH TO SPEND ANY TIME WITH ME ON MOTHERS DAY! There now I've said it. And I hear you say but this year it will be different. NO, it won't be. I'll get a happy mothers day somewhere in the morning from Reanna either right before or right after she asks what I'm making her for lunch or breakfast. Since Randy is at Lake Powell if he comes home tomorrow won't have even remembered. I probably won't see Raina tomorrow.

I wish I could make their lives easier but for
859 days I still need to keep my head above water. 859 days before I finally at least have a financial value. As soon as there is a pension there will be an accident. I'll accidentally take a few too of those xanaz along with the zolpediem. Maybe chug um down with a bottle of rum. I'm hoping it get's called an accidental death.
If anyone can think for any reason why I shouldn't do this, let me know. I post this in the every available to anywhere blog and if you think I shouldn't do it, let me know. Otherwise just let Jesus know I'm coming.