What I am, and what I am not.
I’m a Christian. I love God. I love Jesus and I need them in my life to sustain me on a daily basis. I am a member of a great small group who in the past few weeks has taught me that if the devil is telling you, you are one thing, chances are pretty good God thinks the opposite of you. They have also taught me that if you don’t think you have the strength for something it’s because you are relying on your own strength instead of his. He will provide you with all the strength you need if you will turn to him first.
I am a little wild and a little crazy but most people who know me just think I’m fun. I am kind. I am Karen or caring depending on how you pronounce it.
I am a mom. I might not be a great mom and I’m not very good at teaching my children consequences of their actions but they seem to love me anyway. I can make them laugh and I believe when they think of me they will usually smile. I’m not a strict disciplinarian but I am the mom.
I serve. I don’t do anything well but I can serve and help people. I can cut onions, or sign people in, or just step up and help. Sometimes my only assistance is a smile but a smile can change a life.
What I am not.
I am not a good housekeeper. I am not a perfectionist. I am not a gourmet cook but I can put together family dinners like no one else. I’m not organized, I’m not strong, I’m not pretty. I don’t have a nice figure, I’m not athletic, I’m quick to anger and have a bit of a temper.
All the things I’m not, are the things my husband tells me he wants in a wife. He wants an elegant home. I don’t think you can use my name and the world elegant in the same sentence without it being an oxymoron. He wants me to be organized. Chaos is my specialty. My life is so chaotic that I’ve taught my children chaos is an adventure and something to be enjoyed. My husband wants perfection in his home. He wants a strong athletic wife with a nice figure and one that never angers.
So if what my husband wants is exactly opposite of me and he gets angry inside and he ends up being mean because I’m not what he wants how far do I go to change so he’s happy. What kinds of changes do I make. Should I make any, without expecting him to make some? He isn’t interested in my life at all. He wants me to work beside him in the house, while maintaining a clean house, making dinner, exercising, shopping, (never buying anything for myself or the children, only household needs) taking care of everyone and everything so he can go hunting or fishing every weekend and never be embarrassed by our home. He wants a full time housekeeper, bookkeeper, and handyman plus a gourmet cook, someone to iron cloths, vacuum 3 times a day, take care of all the animals, do yard work, and teach the dogs to hunt, in addition to helping kids with their homework, keeping up on technology and if I could learn to repair cars it would be a bonus. Now I need to do all these things in addition to keeping myself fit and being the caring serving person I am. Oh, and he doesn’t want to have to participate in any of my interests or hobbies. Don’t forget the only reason he married me was for the medical insurance so I need to keep my 40 hour a week job in addition to doing all the other stuff.
So I’m feeling inadequate and worthless because I’m nothing my husband wants. Should I feel that way or should I feel like he needs to make some concessions and realize I wasn’t anything like that when he married me, he can’t change me now. I’m currently on several different anti anxiety medications and several depression medications because I can’t be what I’m not. Is the problem mine or is it his?
I do know a few women who keep immaculate houses without the help of a housekeeper, but there are very few. I even know one that has a cute figure, keeps a nice house and is adventurous to boot. I told Randy when I die she should be his next wife. Why am I thinking about suicide and counting the days til he can have my pension so my work here hasn’t been in vain because he has unrealistic expectations of the person he married?
He tells me he loves me but I don’t believe it anymore. He doesn’t even like me.
But I am a mom and suicide shouldn’t be an option to get out of feelings of inadequacy because my children need me even if I’m only a shell of a person.
That’s not true… Raina doesn’t need me. She’s 16 now and she has her boyfriend. She doesn’t need me at all, except to do her laundry, make her food, buy her things that don’t matter, fill up her car with gas and pay for her insurance. To her, I’m a paycheck.
Reanna, she needs me to be the reason for all of her failures. She just needs someone to blame. I don’t have to be a paycheck to her as long as it’s my fault she’s angry, or my fault she’s mad at her sister or her dad, or my fault she can’t find her contacts, or my fault she’s lost a shoe, or her cloths aren’t washed.
So in short, it’s my fault the house is dirty, my fault the laundry isn’t all done, my fault the addition has been slow, my fault the cars break down, my fault Reanna and I are overweight, my fault the lawn has weeds, my fault we don’t have any money, my fault Raina is unthankful, my fault Reanna won’t take responsibility for her own actions, my fault Ducky isn’t trained, my fault the neighbor is needy, my fault we’re short on money, my fault the house isn’t vacuumed, my fault there are dishes in the sink, my fault the kids don’t put their stuff away, my fault the boats don’t run, my fault Randy can’t go hunting every weekend, my fault we have pets, my fault the kids don’t love or respect me. Boy that’s a lot of burdens to carry around. If I was gone would all that fault be gone too or would they figure out it really isn’t my fault?
I will try, try and try again for at least 3 years 3 months and 25 days. That’s the time frame I’m giving. If things haven’t changed in that time frame I’m going to allow them to see that all the fault isn’t mine. I’ll take out my pension, pay off the house and the rest of the bills and leave them to figure out their own fault.
Who knows… maybe they will find out their lives are truly better without faults or without me.