unempowered

Have you ever felt like you don't have the power to make any decisions? Have you ever felt like someone else is in control over your entire life? Have you ever felt like you're going backwards? I remember when we were given power to do what was right for our customers at work. It was a fabulous feeling, however I am feeling like all of those empowering abilities have been taken away.
So do I have some problems? I do have a problem with stupid blind referees who let other players hit my daughter, push her, elbow her, kick her, scratch her and hang on her. I do have a problem with boys who think they deserve my daughter’s time. I do have a problem with taxes. I do have a problem with walking around with a timer in my pocket to make sure I’m not late from work breaks. . I have a problem with filling out 3 different sets of forms for disputes. I have a problem with my time not being flexible. I have a problem with email. I have a problem with schedules. I have a problem with people not caring for their kids. I have a problem with people using children for nothing more then a means of support. I have a problem with a ton of different things and it's all just coming to a head.
Then when I started counting all the things I have a problem with, I realized, yesterday… it's been 5 years since I've talked to my dad. Every year at this time everything rubs me the wrong way. Everything makes me mad and the real problem is me. For the first three years I called out sick on the anniversary of his death. I worked very hard on it and have made it the last couple of years but last year, my sister-in-law died on the same day as my dad died. No wonder this time of year I feel unempowered. No wonder this time of year I can't seem to do anything that makes me feel like I've accomplished anything. No wonder I'm flat out mad and I have no control. No wonder this time of year my very delicate emotional balance is tipped and I don't have the ability to fight it off with humor.
So if the problem is with me I have to ask why would loosing my dad and my sister-in-law to death make me feel unempowered? I no longer have the power to call them and just chat about anything. I no longer have the power to hug them or to hold them. I do, however, still have the power to love them. I just miss them. I miss them both so much that my heart aches.
If I want to spend time with them, really all I have to do is look around me. Everything in my life that I really love is a product, somehow or another of my dad. The man I married was my dads best friend for the last 15 years of his life. He is so much like my father. He is so caring and hard working and despite being a man he is loving. Not that superficial flowers on holidays type of love, but the get up early every time it snows and clean off my car type of love. The type of love that stays up late and does the dishes. The type of love that allows me to sleep in on weekends. The type of love that would never deny me anything he was capable of giving me. The type of love that will change my flat tire and bring me an iced tea to a basketball game. The kind that really thinks about me on a daily basis. He is like my father.
I have my fathers sense of humor and my father’s love of family. I have a very delicate emotional balance and the only thing that keeps me sane is humor. Sometimes my sense of humor is way out there. But so was his. Sometimes my sense of humor can get me in trouble, but I learned that from him.
My dad loved me. I have no doubt of that. I have no doubt that he would have done anything for me. He loved my mom and he loved my brothers and sisters. He only ever wanted what was best for us and he loved to spend quality fun time with his kids. Hmmm, I think my kids would say the same thing about me.
What about Aunt Lisa? If I want to see her, all I have to do is look at Raina. If I want to feel her love sunshine is the only thing I need. There are some memories that are so full of her laughter that all I have to do is picture a Christmas tree on top of a car and I laugh out loud. She had same real type of love that her brother has but she had a more emotional and sensitive love. Wow, sensitive is the perfect way to describe her love in my life. She knew what I needed even before I knew I needed something and she was always there to help.
Great, so I know the problem and I know the cause, what’s the solution? I’m sure the solution is as close as this book I keep on my desk and I’m going to work on finding it. If you have any suggestions I could sure use them but I’ll update as I get more information.